Think pre-big bang, unordered, undefined chaos. Swirling torrents of color and sound. Emergency shuttles whizz by illustrating the infamous Doppler Effect. Are you thinking of the scene from Mean Girls? You know. The scene. At the water hole?
Well, it's something like that.
Welcome to any large scale airport in the United States. Quite possibly the world, but I wouldn't know for sure yet. I'm convinced that we don't need to send the courageous men and women who serve our country in the armed forces to basic training, we just need to send them to observe the happenings of an International Airport for a few hours. Screaming babies, security checks, large hysterical women and glum faced business men.
If we want to expedite the process, we can just send them straight to the source-the coffee line.
Something about an airport unleashes the inner rage of a emaciated hyena in the average person.
Since I am slightly left of average, I have this fantastic opportunity to sit back and enjoy. Thank God for my sense of humor.
Case 1: The Angry Black Woman.
No. This is not stereotypical. And no, this is not racist. This is the objective story of what I just moments ago had the pleasure of witnessing.
Subject: A middle age woman, I'm going to go out on a limb and say she was the mother of the 3 children she had in tow, fresh from the plane.
Setting: Phoenix airport. Arizona. A Terminal. Near the news stand.
Events: Unfortunately, the said woman's stroller which had been checked was misplaced. Good thing all three of her children could walk and talk. The man in charge was very apologetic going out of his way to make amends for a simple airline accident. Could've happened to anyone, right? Well. Thank you Phoenix airport for allowing crazies to travel, because this was beyond entertaining. She flipped. A. Bitch. This was not your normal disappointed or even irritated traveler. Hell hath no fury like this woman's scorn. She used colorful language, to say the least. I think I even learned a few new words. I'm talking finger waving, snapping, spitting. The whole shabang. After about 15 minutes of solid entertainment, she turns to leave. This woman was on the heavy set side. And that side took out two of her unaware children in one foul swoop. Down. On the ground. Crying. She proceeds to grab her daughter by her braided pigtail and yank her up. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't an abusive yank. But really? REALLY?
I wish I had the patience to really paint the picture of this scene for you. But I don't, so this will have to suffice.
Case 2: The Caffeine Deprived Couple
Need I say more?
Case 3: Babies.
If I ever need to sit anywhere for an extended period of time, be it church, doctor's office waiting room, bus, plane...my seat of choice is directly behind a baby. They are an incredible source of entertainment. But patience is key. I have an announcement, this may come as a surprise to you. Babies cry. Yes. I'd even venture to guess more often than not. You were a baby once. Your children, grandchildren, niece/nephew, godchild were all children. And even if you are heartless and have none of the above. Shutup. Stop complaining about the crying baby. They cry. This is no surprise. Babies need to travel too and all the bitching in the world you do will not soothe their crying souls. I can handle babies. I can not handle old (or young) curmudgeons who make not so subtle hints directed toward parents who are trying their best to get the situation under control.
I could go on for a while, but I will spare you.
Four hours of interrupted catnaps and one Earl Grey Tea Latte later.
So I had 84 page views on my first blog. I didn't realize I knew that many people. Granted, I can attribute at least half of those views to my dear friend Alli W.
I thought I was boring. But apparently those of you who actually read this have less of a life than I do.
Just kidding. Not possible.